How to communicate: Learning Names.
It’s no secret that I enjoy talking to people.
It’s been my favorite pastime since I was a kid. Even more than talking to people, I like having good, deep conversations. I don’t think there’s a standard definition for the term ‘good conversation’. So for right now, I’ll define a ‘good conversation’ as one where I learn something new. I grow.
I’ve found that one way to have better conversations with new people is to learn their names.
For example, I had a conversation with a gentleman the other day after I’d asked him how he liked a book I’d seen him reading a few weeks prior. He was reading an animated version of the American classic, Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut.
The gentleman I’m referencing is a guy who visits my restaurant often. The first time I’d ever seen him in the restaurant, I introduced myself. Since then, he’s visited the restaurant a few times per week and always brings a book to read while eating. I neither approach him when he’s eating nor when he’s reading.
However, when we were having our conversation, he was on his way to a church gathering. In his hand, he was holding a personnel directory issued by the church. He was trying to learn people’s names before the gathering. He’d only been to the church a few times and, although he’s met a few people from the church, he’s forgotten the names of several of the members.
He said he’s terrible at remembering names and gets embarrassed when he can’t remember the name of someone he knows he’s met before.
I told him that he shouldn’t be too upset. It’s an ailment many suffer from.
“I was taught a technique to remember people’s names when I was young,” I told him. “I’d be happy to share it with you.”
He appreciated my offer and encouraged me to share.
I told him that any time I meet someone new, I try to repeat his/her name immediately after learning it.
I learned this technique from one of the older gentlemen that lived in one of the nursing homes I worked in as a kid.
The technique does two things:
It ensures I heard his/her name correctly
It reiterates the name. Thus helping me commit the name to memory.
He said it sounded like a good idea but said he felt gross using a trick to remember someone’s name. He disliked the idea of using a trick to remember something he should be genuinely interested in remembering. To him, using a trick to remember someone’s name felt disingenuous.
“Listen, I’d be mortified to be perceived as someone who is disingenuous. I do understand what you mean, though,” I said.
However, I doubled down on the utility of my tactic.
I explained how this approach allows me to have better conversations and, hopefully, a better relationship with the people I’m talking to. If I have to rely on a silly little trick to help me have better conversations, I’m for it.
I’m not saying that memorizing someone’s name is all you need to do to have a ‘good conversation’.
But it goes a long way in developing a relationship in which there’s mutual respect. Where there’s mutual respect, there’s fertile ground for deep meaningful conversations.
So I’ll leave you with this: if having better conversations is your aim, respecting people enough to remember their name is a great place to start.
We love to hear other people say our name. It’s genetic.
If remembering someone’s name is difficult for you, just repeat it to him/her when you meet.
Just like this:
Me: “Hi, my name is Mack.”
You: “Hi, Mack. It’s a pleasure to meet you!”
Take it from a guy who’s spent a lot of time talking.
It works.
